Jan. 6 – Resolved

Daily Prompt 6/365: Have you ever made a New Year’s Resolution that you kept?

At the beginning of 2013, I swore off relationships – no dating, no sex, just me figuring out what I wanted out of myself and my life.

By April, I’d bent the rules to the point that I ended up in bed with a guy I met at the gym for what was some of the worst sex I’d ever had. I quickly followed that awkward encounter with an intense fling and some of the best sex I’d ever had. What can I say? A girl has needs.

The content of the resolutions I’d made that year turned out to be far less important than my reasons for making them. I kept my eye on the prize, focusing on myself over others (read: men) for the first time in years. By the end of the year, I was proud of what I’d achieved and humbled by the mistakes I’d made along the way. Stepping back from relationships gave me the perspective I needed to see where I kept going wrong and try to correct my path.

Here’s what I wrote at the end of 2013 in my yearly reflections:

The goal was the find out who I am when I’m not being defined by my relationships with men. Not only to find out who I am, but to figure out if I even liked that person – and if not, take positive steps towards becoming the woman I want to be, a woman I can respect and love more than I loved being in love or planning my future. I had to start living in the present and be happy doing so.

Though I wouldn’t be so arrogant as to sit back at this point and say “I’m done,” as if a person’s growth is something that is ever complete, I can say that I achieved my goals for 2013. I found out who I am when I’m not busy being a girlfriend. I found out that I’m pretty awesome on my own, and that I have the most amazing family around me – and I mean not only those that I’m related to, but those who came into my life along the way, and stayed. I found out that I don’t need to go looking for love; I am surrounded by so much I can hardly breathe, I am so overwhelmed with gratitude at the blessings I have been given.

I don’t have any resolutions as I move into 2014 beyond this: keep it up, Jade. Remind yourself of how far you’ve come, and what you are capable of when you open your eyes, your mind, your heart, to what you need. Open yourself up to falling in love again, even if it doesn’t look or feel like it used to. If you don’t want the next relationship to end like all the others, you probably don’t want it starting like all the others.

Take your time. Breathe. Hold on to yourself without holding yourself back.

In 2014, my resolution was to keep working – and I did. To remain open to love – and I did. To take my time, breathe, hold on to what I’d gained without holding myself back – and somehow, I did.

They say that even the biggest journeys start with a small step, which is why, instead of resolutions, I renew my promise to myself to keep going, keep working, keep moving, keep growing. It’s the most important promise I’ve ever made.

 

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